


the bucky journals

by DangerousLiaisons



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon Divergence - Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Cute, Depression, Diary/Journal, Engagement, Healing, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Past Suicide Attempt, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Doubt, Suicidal Thoughts, bucky and steve being cute, idk what to tag, maybe marriage! we shall just have to see, they love each other a lot, wow a whole tag for him getting better i love that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:54:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29970126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousLiaisons/pseuds/DangerousLiaisons
Summary: bucky is trying to get better, but it's not always easy. through journaling, he expresses how he's feelings in the ups and downs of recovery. and, of course, his history with tony is one of the biggest obstacles moving forward.this story is a mix of journal entries told from bucky's perspective and many of the chapters have an accompanying segment that builds off the journal entry, in 3rd personmost definitely inspired by the lovely "the life of bucky barnes" instagram series and its accompanying story on this siterated m for some descriptions of sex and also a bit of violence in later chapters, but it's nothing too extreme idk lol
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. prologue — the 1940s

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday to our beloved bucky barnes :') i love him so much (i posted this on the 10th but it's saying the 11th lol whatever it was his birthday when i posted!)
> 
> i hope yall enjoy this story as much as i loved writing it :)

_ September 3, 1943 _

_ I’m not entirely sure how journaling works, but a few of the guys said it’s helped them. So, here goes.  _

_ It’s only been a week, but I miss Steve more than I ever thought I was capable of. We’ve never been apart for more than a couple days at most, so this is all new to us. They say distance makes the heart grow stronger, or something like that. And it’s definitely true. I hope he’s doing okay.  _

_ To be frank, I regret my decision to enlist. Yes, he should be coming to be part of the medical team — that was the deal. But I should have left with him. I hope nothing falls through and he still comes soon. _

_ I miss and love you so much, Stevie. _

_ September 4, 1943 _

_ The days are going by too slowly for my liking. And the guys here are rough. I think some of them can tell I’m gay. I like that term better than homosexual, it feels nicer. _

_ Regardless, if they can tell, I only hope they’re understanding. Though I’m always the one protecting Steve, I can’t help but wish he were here to comfort me. _

_ September 9, 1943 _

_ Steve is here. A version of him, at least. He’s much bigger than when I left. They gave him a special serum and now he’s got muscles and no more health issues. A super soldier, they call him. _

_ I’m not sure what to think. He is still the same Steve I love endlessly, but he’s, I don’t know. Different. _

_ September 12, 1943 _

_ Different is good, I’ve decided. _

_ What little privacy we had for a few moments today, Steve and I were able to be intimate. Like I said, different is good. Steve is so good. _

_ February 26, 1945 _

_ I can’t believe it’s been almost 18 months since I’ve written in here. I guess time slips away when you’re with the love of your life.  _

_ Steve and I have been through a lot both before and now during our time in the army, but we’ve been through it all together. No matter what, he is truly the most incredible and comforting person in the world. I can’t imagine a life without him. _

_ Which is why I’m going to propose to him tomorrow.  _

_ I’ve spent too long waiting for the right time. Now is the time, and I know he’ll say yes. Steve Rogers is my soulmate, and I wouldn’t want to live without him. _

_ Tomorrow, I’ll propose before we go on our mission. It’s something to do with Hydra and their train full of cargo. I’ll write about how the proposal goes when we get back. I want to write down every detail so I can remember it forever. _


	2. may 6, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most chapters will have the journal entry at the beginning or end besides this chapter lol

Bucky knows everything that happens. He knows Steve is looking for him, and he knows his freedom is on a clock.

After he and Steve had their catastrophic fight that almost destroyed DC and a portion of the global population, Bucky can’t shake the feeling that he can get better. It’s a small glimmer of hope, but it’s possible. Steve is a sign that there’s still something left of Bucky.

He watches Steve one day in the DC museum. Watches as he gets choked up looking at memories of them. Watches as Steve angrily tells one of the museum curators to change ‘best friend’ to ‘fiancé’ in one of the descriptions. Hides just before Steve spots him. Bucky reads the plaques later, trying to put the pieces together.

But the Winter Soldier knows that if he lets Steve near him for a second, authorities will likely find him and put him in jail. Or both of them.

So, he stays one step ahead. On the move, only settling down for a brief period of time. But then a bombing happens, and everything goes to shit. He’s not expecting to find Steve in his temporary apartment.

He waits and watches in silence for a few moments.

Steve looks around and is sure to put everything back where he finds it. He picks up Bucky’s new journal that only has one entry so far. Steve smiles to himself softly, an almost familiar smile, and Bucky’s not sure why. It’s just a journal.

Steve reads the entry.

_May 6, 2016_

_I haven’t written in a journal in decades, but I’m exhausted and have no one on my side._

_There was an explosion today, several people died. People think I did it, and I’m going to have to move again. I’m trying to put the pieces together, but nothing makes sense._

_A man named Steve, who is Captain America, is looking for me. From what the museum in D.C. says, it seems like he and I were engaged. I think I remember flashes of him. Nothing makes sense. I am always exhausted._

Steve puts the journal down and looks up. They finally meet each other’s eyes for the first time in years.

“Bucky,” Steve exhales, and it sounds like Steve has been waiting to say that for a very long time. Tears are immediately brimming on his tired eyelids. It all seems so familiar.

“You’re Steve,” Bucky states.

Steve nods. “I’m here to help you. To protect you.”

“I didn’t do that bombing. I don’t kill people anymore. That’s not me,” Bucky says, his voice raspier than ever.

“I know, Buck,” Steve states. “I know. And just come with me. I’ll protect you, I promise.”

But Steve can see in Bucky’s eyes that that’s not an option. His voice grows more desperate.

“Please, Bucky. Please just come with me. I will do anything to keep you safe. You just have to trust me. No one has to get hurt.”

Bucky sighs. “Someone always gets hurt.”

Steve wishes that didn’t have to be true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


	3. june 1, 2016

_June 1, 2016_

_I fucked up. Badly._

_I killed Tony’s parents._

_Steve being Steve went through the most drastic lengths imaginable to clear my name from the bombing. And it worked. But nothing could clear my name from the hundreds of people I’ve killed._

_I am the cause of the Avengers falling apart. Steve says it’s not my fault, but in his mind, there was never a choice. I’m always going to be his soulmate, and I can do no wrong in his eyes. My mind hasn’t cleared much, but I still know that feeling._

_T’Challa and Shuri are helping to deprogram what Hydra did to me, so I hope that works. Wakanda is nice. More than nice, really. It’s the most beautiful and progressive place I’ve ever lived. And above everything, I feel safe here._

_Steve hasn’t left my side, and I couldn’t be more grateful. He’s the only place I find comfort, which is a big deal with my current mental state._

_Still, I’m not sure I can live with myself after everything I’ve done. Steve and Shuri and T’Challa keep saying I deserve to get better. But I’m having trouble believing that._

_Steve says he’ll wait for me for however long it takes. I’m not sure he should._


	4. august 16, 2016

_August 16, 2016_

_Today was actually nice. Steve came back as soon as he heard I was awake. Shuri helped unscramble my brain and, to be honest, I feel a hell of a lot better._

_I don’t want to pretend that I’m still the same person. I feel better, and I want to hold onto that feeling. Wakanda is truly beautiful._

_But I also feel guilty for feeling better. I still have nightmares and PTSD — I don’t think that’s going away any time soon. But a part of me feels like I should suffer for what I’ve done._

_If Steve knew I felt that way, he’d beat the shit out of me. I can’t help it though._

_Still, I enjoyed today. My fiancé is here, and he’s not going anywhere. That’s really big. He said he’s not going anywhere without me for the rest of our lives. That made me cry. He told me he’s never taken my dog tags off. That made me cry harder. He held me the entire time. I wish I still had his to wear._

_I don’t know how often I’ll write in here, but things actually seem like they could get better. I hope._

“Bucky!” Steve says from down the hall. Bucky turns from talking to Shuri and sees his fiancé. He sees the joy and pure rush of serotonin from Steve. He also sees his uncertainty of how to approach.

“Hi, Steve,” Bucky smiles.

Steve speedwalks over and touches Bucky’s face. Shuri sneaks away.

“Bucky,” Steve exhales. “My Bucky. How are you doing?”

“Better now. My fiancé is here.” He pulls Steve into a hug and they’re both grateful they can withstand superhuman forces.

Steve starts crying first.

“Yeah, Buck. I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere without you ever again. I promise, sweetheart. For the rest of our lives, I’m by your side.” The tears fall too fast to wipe away.

Bucky nods into Steve’s neck, and soon, the captain can feel tears falling, dripping down onto his shirt.

“I love you so much, Steve. So fucking much. There’s just so many years we’ve been apart. I don’t even know—”

“It’s okay, baby. We’ll take it step by step. We’re together. We’re never going to be apart. We’re soulmates.” Steve sniffles and tries to compose himself.

Bucky nods and focuses on those words.

He wipes his tears away and feels Steve’s necklace. Bucky’s dog tags.

“You’re still wearing them,” Bucky laughs through his tears.

“Buck, when I tell you I have never once taken them off. I mean it,” Steve chuckles, and sniffles some more. “Even when I was frozen. Even when I was in a coma, they somehow knew to just let me wear them.”

Bucky goes to speak, but just breaks down into more tears. “I wish I still had yours. I would never take them off either,” he sobs.

“It’s okay, Bucky,” Steve soothes. “It’s okay. We’ll just have an exact replica made. Something to symbolize the new and the old us. Together forever.”

Bucky nods again. “I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you, too, angel.”


	5. january 8, 2017

_ January 8, 2017 _

_So, things haven’t been going as smoothly as I hoped. I’m trying not to get too down about it; I have a lot going for me. Steve and I want to get married this year (there’s just the issue of timing and him needing Tony to be there), and I love Wakanda. It feels like a permanent home._

_But the nightmares and guilt can be debilitating. Some days I can’t get out of bed. Sometimes Steve lies with me all day. Other times he lets me have some space. Other times, he’ll literally drag me out of bed to get me out of the apartment._

_I started seeing a therapist and she said to write everything down more, which is why I’ve opened up this journal after a few months. Steve kept my journal from the 40s and he’s trying to get it back from S.H.I.E.L.D. since they took it from his pocket after he was unfrozen. I’m not sure I want to read those entries. The few in this journal from 2016 are hard enough to read._

_I guess we’ll see._

_The positives. Focus on the positives, Bucky._

“Bucky!” Steve shouts.

No response. The soldier thrashes and cries out, tossing and turning, his vibranium arm shattering the lamp that Steve was just about to turn on.

“Bucky,” he says again, trying to shake his fiancé awake.

Nothing.

“Bucky, please!” Steve says.

“Steve,” Bucky grumbles. “Steve!”

“Bucky, I’m here. I’m right here. Just wake up, sweetheart.” He shakes him some more.

More thrashing. No response. Steve catches the metal fist a split second before it hits his face. He’ll have to ice his hand in the morning.

“Steve!”

Steve grabs his water on his side of the bed and dumps it onto Bucky. The soldier gasps awake.

“Bucky.”

“Steve,” Bucky pants. “Are you here? Is this real?”

“Yes, sweetheart. I’m here. With you. This is real. You’re awake. We’re alive.”

Bucky shakes and flinches and tries to thrash around more. Steve holds him tight and doesn’t let him go.

“We’re okay,” the captain says. “We’re okay.”

Bucky clings to him and cries. He cries for an hour and can’t stop, tears slowing down just to start back up again. Steve doesn’t loosen his grip at all.

Eventually, the soldier falls back to sleep and doesn’t wake again until morning.

“What do you wanna do today?” Steve hums, kissing Bucky awake.

“Lie here and have you kiss me all day,” Bucky groggily says.

“Don’t tempt me,” Steve laughs.

“No tempting. That’s all I want,” Bucky says.

“Say no more.” Steve kisses up to Bucky’s cheek, then down to his lips and neck, back up to his head. “My beautiful man.”

Bucky pulls him in tightly and kisses him back. “I am the luckiest guy on the planet. We can plan our wedding in between kissing also.”

Steve chuckles. “Maybe tomorrow, more kissing now.”

Bucky’s smile fades a little. “That’s what you said yesterday, mister.”

“We will get married soon. I promise. I just…”

“You want him there,” Bucky states.

Steve sighs and nods.

“I’m sorry,” the soldier says.

“Stop. Not your fault.”

“Can’t help it.”

They both sigh and silence falls.

“Do you want to talk about your nightmare last night? It was the worst one in a long time,” Steve says.

“Same stuff,” Bucky grumbles, “but worse. Kept losing you over and over and over.”

Steve nods. He’s familiar. Living it and having nightmares about it.

“How is therapy going? Any ways to manage the nightmares?”

Bucky shrugs. “Keep writing. Keep talking it out. Keep spending time doing things that make me happy. AKA, you.”

Steve grins. “Doing things, huh?”

Bucky nods. “That’s right.”

The soldier rolls on top of the captain and starts kissing down his body, under the sheets where nothing’s between their bare skin pressed together.

“I wanna talk… Oh, fuck. Buck,” Steve groans. “I wanna talk more about you later!”

“Sure thing, baby. Later,” Bucky hums.

Later doesn’t come for a while.


	6. february 7, 2017

_ February 7, 2017 _

_Steve and I have never really faught. Of course we’ve gotten annoyed at each other and disagreed more times than I can count. But honestly I pride myself on having such an open and healthy relationship with him where we always communicate. Never yelled at each other once._

_But I do think I need a little space. But just a little. I keep forgetting to write in here and he’ll nag me until I do, or I’ll be having a hard week and he thinks just getting fresh air will help. It doesn’t work like that. I don’t work like that._

_But still, he’s my other half. So, I don’t like to be without him for very long. I don’t know, maybe that’s unhealthy. I don’t think we’re too dependent on each other, we’ve just been through too much to want to be apart._

_Which is why I’m trying to support him reaching out to Tony. He’s never gotten a reply, so he wants to go directly to New York to see him. And bring him back here so Tony and I can “talk it out”, as Steve says. But I don’t think there will be much talking. I should honestly just let him beat the shit out of me._

_I’d rather just do it and get it over with. I can’t imagine Tony and I ever getting along, let alone him forgiving me. I think he’s a great guy, and Steve just wants his best friend back. I can’t blame him for wanting to try everything._

_If the universe were to take pity on me, and let things heal smoothly, I’d greatly appreciate it. That way, Tony and Steve will be okay again and we can move forward with the wedding. Since the 72nd anniversary (fucking old) of me proposing to Steve is coming up, I have some big plans. So please, let everything move forward with Tony. I just want to marry my soulmate._

_Steve, if you’ve snooped this far, I’m going to kick your ass. Don’t even ask what I’ve got planned._

_I love you so fucking much, asshole. More than you’ll ever fucking know._


End file.
